If There's Nothing Bothering Me..Then Y do These Tears Come at Night..??

4th day of fasting.. Masak awl jugak arini.. Arini anne dpt tlg mak masak.. Cket da kurg..da x rce cgt..^_^ Alhmdulillah... Tp 1 ag prob yg clalu wat anne rce pening pale..n i noe itz not gud for my own health too.. Sumtime i feel so confused.. Wut a conflict huh..
Da cmggu lebih..im kinda heving sumting like....insomia.. I feel uneased.. My emotion..seems like being disturbed.. N no body wud understands me.. I keep telling myself that everything will b juz fine soon..n there's nothing for me to worry about.. During d days.. Im juz fine..i can laugh..smile.. N b...juz normal.. But if there's nothing bothering my mind..then y do these tears come at nite.. Since when..hmpr cmggu jugak la.. When i think about my family..my money..automatically akn nangis.. I feel tired..tiap mlm nangis.. I tried to be strong..but i noe im not.. Reaching out my limit..thatz y mate ni xley nk stop nangis..nangis cmpi ttido..ncb baik la bile angun pagi,mate xbengkak cbb ngs..tp...azab nk angun pagi tu..mate cam kne gam..mate jd letih cz da puas perah air mate mlm2 bute.. Bile lappy da off..both phones da cnyap..put my earphones in..volumes up..i juz wana ignore d world around me.. But....that doesnt help.. Mule la air mate ni kuar.. Hati ni rce pedih...kosong..cket.. Nak2 bile ingt prangai abah.. I juz dun understand that guy..watpe khwn ngn ibu lau tau hdup nyusahkn org.. Anne rce cgt x adil bile abah amik duit YPJ anne..lau ckit2 xpe..ni RM2000..itz 2k!! Xcmpi kt uma..otw alek dr UMT ke JB tu(12 May)..dan2 kt Mesra Mall abah mintak duit..kate ujung May n June t nk byr cmule.. Ni da mcuk Ogos.. 1sen pn xde! Cket bile rce tertipu.. Abah tu nme je kje..tp duit die lgsg xnmpk.. Sume mnde byr2 kai duit ibu.. Ni bile da pkce abah byr,ibu back up abah..on d dot lak ibu kate t ibu ks rm500 dlu.. I was like =_= WHAT THE HELL! Cpe yg pnjam?asal ibu yg kne byr? Im so hate u abah.. Blagak cam org kaye..tp sengkek.. Lau x sushkn org xpe gak.. ni......die nk blagak,org sume kne bersusah utk die.. BENCI!! Mgkin lau ibu khwn ngn ayah Lan or sum1 else dlu ag better.. Or..mgkin gak lau ibu jd ibu tunggal pn bgus.. Ni ade papa..tp xbg anne contact ngn papa..i dun care ape yg papa da wat pd family..cmpikn sume org lam fmly xley trime papa ag..even papa da mule nk amik tau tntg anne..tp rmai yg melarang ibu bwk anne jmpe papa.. C'mon~he's my dad..my real dad.. Jaat mne pn die..anne wjud cbb die.. Lau die xnk trime anne dlu n xbtggjwb..tp atleast giv him d chance now.. I really wana noe him.. Can someone understand that?? NOPE! No one does..itz juz me,myself n I wud understand my own feelings.. Sumtimes i do cried n hoping that atok will be there for me.. Lau atok ade ag ckrg ni...mgkin ayang xcmni.. Hmm..xperlu ade org gtau pn.. I noe abah ade gune sumting utk wat ibu dgr je ape die kate..sume sh*t yg abah buat,ibu kne tanggung.. Mak clalu kate ibu jd bodoh cz dgr ckp abah..xdenye nk melawan even abah tu cume mnyusahkan..tnye je la ngn sume pngamal perubatan..ustaz2...jwpnnye cme...abah gune2kn ibu..tp ibu..even da tau..tp mcm xnk usaha lgsg utk pulihkn cmule..ade cbe nk bwk,tp mcm2 halangan belaku..konon power cgt abah 'ikat' ibu..cmpi ibu pn mmg xnk caye mnde2 ni sume.. U dun hev to tell me that mak..i noe...
My family were juz awesome weren't they.. Itz not that anne x bersyukur ngn ape yg ade ckrg...tp..fkirkan abah yg cume mendatangkn kesusahan je,it makes me angry.. Angry with ibu..mak..my fmly..n most of all..im angry with myself cz i cant do a thing to help... Like they will listen to a 20years old gurl yg sah2 pd deorg child of d fmly..''parenz rulez...kids shut up..''.. Sumtime i juz pray that..kalau la hdup ni xperlu rehat n tido..sah2 cnyap2 anne wat kje part time..siang class..aftr class g kje.. blk kje wat esaimen n stdy..then ready for class again.. Hikhik..silly me..^_~there's no such thing in diz world to do sumting like that.. Anne cndiri bukn jns yg chat2..wat kje lebih ckit je,mule la pucat2 muke..pnyakit kurg drh n low blood pressure.. I can only do sumting light..bile i pushed myself doing heavy things..cket cndiri la pstu.. Lau xde suppliment x sah..trce cam zombie hdup.. Hm..=/ 
Now da dkat raye.. Abah lak sebolehnye suro ibu amik tv flat screen dr ayah uteh..rm150 per month..for 18months.. Itz omost rm2k isnt it? Tv yg ade tu ase da ckup besar..rosak ckit je..da ciap anta btulkn ag..bru rm150.. Wut a waste g amik tv bsar flat screen..berhutang ag.. Now cpe yg nk gnti duit rm2k yg abah pnjam anne.. n duit mak yg nta da bpe ribu ibu kate pnjm..nnt byr cmule..tp xbyr2 cz clalu short in cash..=_= Ape gune anne dpt pinjaman YPJ (utk blaja) tp cbnrnye kne bg duit tu utk kesenangan abah??? Lau abah n ibu cam kwn2 anne pnye parenz..xpe gak.. Sumtimes i get jealous.. Kwn2 dpt duit yayasan..ptptn.. Tp duit2 tu kdg2 lgsg x cuit.. cz parenz deorg bg duit belanje kt deorg each month.. Tp anne????duit ypj tu la utk sumenye..tu pn mch nk amik duit anne nape? I juz dun undrstand...tgk mkck2 n pkck2 yg len.. Cth cam m.ngah..kje biace2 je..tp...abg wen n is dpt mcm2 yg deorg nk.. Tp ibu n abah yg ley dikate gaji bsr..x cmtu.. Clalu ape yg anne nk,anne pendamkn..cmpi mce anne rce time tu da ssuai nk mntk,dan2 tu jugak adik potong line..in d end..anne mngalah..biar adik dpt pe yg adik nk.. Bile da byk kali beralah tu yg cmpi tahap ht ni nk memberontak gak..rce cam x adil..(jelez too much..) Mne xnye xckup duit..duit ibu abah wat joli..duit abah nta ke mane..tension gile bile fkir tntg tu.. Plus ngn dgr mak bebel tntg duit mak yg dipinjam pn xpulang2..btmbah cket ht.. Ade abah..serupe xde. Anne pn ade plan cndiri ngn duit anne..tp xley nk laksanekn cbb abah took it all away.. N tu la yg plg anne xley trime ckrg...itz mine.. Sume kehendak anne,kne ltak ke tepi..stelah da berbulan planning..duit ley lesap sekelip mate kt tgn abah.. It hurtz me a lot when thinking of it..
Nekad..alek UMT ni..lau stil xpulang my 2k,jgn hrp anne jge pemakanan anne..lau perlu,anne poce terus pn xpe..jnji ley save every lil thing thatz left for me.. Juz enuff..i cant take it NEmore..not like this.. Now im going to do it in my own way.. I juz wish somehow..everything will be.....great..easy for everyone... Hope that these tears will stop..no more crying at nite..alone..cz itz painful..n so pathetic..  Hm..too much confession to my lil blog..
Pathetic kn luah rce kt blog??da puas diary kne conteng..blog pn jd tmpt lpas prcaan.. Well..atleast bile da kuarkn sumenye ni even pd mnde yg xde prcaan,electronic,kertas....somehow rce much better.. Mm..da2 la utk gangguan jiwe ni.. Now..seperti biace..pantang anne on9.. Mr.FS msti popped out..out of no where... Org nga cdap lpas geram lam blog,ley lak mamat sorg ni ajk borak ngn die..tu yg dr nga hot,ley cool cmule.. Unexpected..nta cane ley exchange phne number arini...=_= Akhirnye kamu bjaye gak amik num anne ye Mr.FS? Hehe..biar la.. Katenye ''mlm t lau fendy mcg,xrply..ciapla anne!''  Erk!!o.O apekah??cke ht die je..tembak ngn pistol air bru tau! =P hikhik.. Hmm..npe la Mr.FS ni cme cam my guardian ea?care die serupe.. Mm... Puas lyn mamat ni ngarut..ade ke die kate nk rce masakan anne..=_= Haha..my love pn lum rce air tgn anne ag tau.. Somewhere somehow..gaye cam nk ngorat lak mamat ni.. Hey Mr.FS....adekah anda cngle??xde kje len ea ngacau anak dare org?? Hikhik.. Lau Mr.FS ni ade gf...kang xpasal kne flying kick ngn gf die kang.. Ade2 je mamat sorg ni.. Hikhik..kite jd TTM je ok? Haha.. Hmm..ye2 kate malam.. Kul bpe ea...yg psti b4 kul 4.30pm Mr.FS ni da mcg anne.. o.O that was unexpected.. Haha...4.30pm anne off.. Mcg ngn mamat ni cmpi aftr buke sume.. Stop for a while kul 5-6pm cz mamat ni tido.. Then stop utk buke.. Then isyak.. Pstu trus2an mcg.. N weird gets weirder.. Mr.FS mntk anne MMS pic anne kt die!!!! Errr~~ Heeee~ xley la Mr.FS.. anne nk kai tdung aftr diz..lau nk,amik yg kt FB.. =P haha..