He's Here But He's Not..

Kalini akn pnjg ckit cz combination 6hari pnye..ape ley wat..mls nk on blog ttbe..jd tulis tmpt len dlu..ni bru rjin nk update..so..men copied pasted la..

28Sept2011...clas marathon..yeah! 8am til 5pm.. Mlm td nmpk die ngn senior tarian.. Xcgke deorg ley lepak cpnjg mlm..ciap kuar..cmpi xtido lgsg..hebat! Jd bg chance kt die utk tido siang tu.. Eventhough deep inside rce nk die trus2an tman cz pale nga xtenang n serabut..tp rce xpatut lau xbg die tido..da la org tu x tido 1 mlm.. So..tried my best utk stay positive ngn mnde yg serabut ni..tido cmlm kul 4lbh..mne x bengal pale..still xfhm ngn cnth proposal yg kene dibuat..>_< esaimen pn xsentuh..aduyai~

Mm..arini die jnji nk mkn mlm cme..tp tup2 kul 5pm die call ckp mgkin xcmpt nk mkn mlm kul 8.30pm spt yg dijnjikan..cbbnye nk g karok ngn senior tarian (yg cme jugak).. Ok..cmlm cpnjg mlm ngn deorg..arini kne korbankn time dinner tu utk biar die ngn deorg gak..fine~i'll take it in positive way..not jelez..tp agk trce cz jnji tpkce dipostpone..(nmpk cgt time da xbalance).. Die ajk mkn lwat ckit lam kul 9.30pm-10pm..mmg xla..anne nk trening ag..luse mlm da show..step xciap ag.. Tension2..=_=nta ape nk jd ngn tarian kiteorg..(cbnrnye ley je g mam ngn die lwat2..tp cam xbesh cz nk kjar mce utk trening..n dicbbkn trce cam i'm d laz choice..so..mmg xnk la..told him xpe..i'll eat with my gossipm8).. Then...ok..he went out.. Me get ready in my room utk kuar mkn mlm lak.. 8.30pm nk kuar mam ngn gossipm8..ttbe si die call kul 8pm ckp nk mam cme cz die da otw alek UMT.. Kebetulan mmg da jnji ngn my gossipm8 utk teman mkn mlm(rite aftr si die kate lmbt balik..mmg tbaik my gossipm8..oweyz there..pakai 'on' je..hehe..)..mmg ley 'lari'kn diri la..agpn btul kn..xkn nk campak lak my gossipm8 ni ttbe..da la org tu jugak yg cnggup nk tman mkn.. So..dicbbkn si die da sah2 kuar ngn kwn2 die..y not die trus g mkn ngn deorg trus kn?..i dun wana be d laz choice..(cowy abg..tp mmg anne agk trce lau cmni..) Nk cgt lpak ngn deorg..go ahead..grab d chance..org da bg da ni.. Hm..i noe he loves karok so much.. So..i used dat reason to cool myself down..

29sept2011..

Aftr trening..alek bilik lam kul 1lbh kot..(itz 29sept da).. Then continue my work aftr da ciap mndi sume.. Haih la esaimen..pning pale dibuatnye.. Proposal pn..rce nk je cepuk2 mnde alah ni..=_= Hmm..

Erm...Ade gak mcg2 ngn si die..tp cbb cam tawar ht n rce letih..jd lyn acuh x acuh la.. N i noe he can detect it very well..cz itz damn obvious.. Tu pn mcg cam agk lmbt..cz die nga lepak ngn dak gemersik..so told him utk setel ngn gemersik dlu then bru mcg..tp die kate nk trus gak mcg.. But bru few mcgs,die da ilang.. =_= again..biarla die..rce agk cket la.. Mlmni i duno y..rce cam nk ngs cgt..1 cbb tnsion ngn proposal ni..ag 1 cbb si die la.. N i did cried..n ngn cngajenye anne ckp anne nk rest..(actually nk larikn diri..Perhaps being calm is d best solution for diz time..).. Ttbe die call..rcau btul cz tkut die dpt detect cuare bru lpas ngs.. Ncb die x tau (kot).. Aftr da hung up d phne..anne ngs cmule..tu je care nk coolkn ht back to normal.. N then dpt mcg die..die kate die da bahagikn mce da..esk n luse d time will b mine whenever im free.. So..ok la.. Letz c..sah2 la 30sept anne da bz ngn trening pnuh b4 show..

Ok..arini hr khms..cam cmlm..jadual packed.. 9am-6pm.. Cmlm da ngs..tido lak kul 5am ag.. Cyezly im tired..tp mlmni si die jnji mkn mlm cme..kul 8.30pm s usual.. So..trun la mam cme..n bg ckali hadiah konvo+bcoming bday kt die.. Hope he loves it..(Cowy if abg xcke pattern tu..really2 hev no idea nk cari corak yg cane..) Aftr mam,i went for trening..n die lepak tapak konvo n ngn dak2 gemersik..lau xclap.. UNIC dtg arini..tp i cant watch them..cz bz ngn trening... =/ hmm~

30Sept2011..
Alek trening 1.30am.. Setel mndi2 sume..mcg2 ngn die..n die lak ttido dlu..Biarla..topup tido xckup la kot.. N i slept at 5am.. Arini angun kul 10lbh pagi..tp men tido2 ayam cmpi kul 12pm.. Nice~~ ^_~ 3.15pm kiteorg bkmpul kt hepa.. (planning asal nk wat trening kt astaka ats swimming pool..tp ttbe dipggil senior tarian cz da dpt kostum tarian..tu g hepa).. Then kiteorg start trening for d laz time cz mlmni show! Da la yg 1st group perform lak tu..>_<tkut!! 6.15pm..kiteorg kt toilet swimming pool...get ready ciap2..mekap.. 8pm setel sume n get ready kt backstage utk perform..8.40pm n here we go!! Tension ngn suar tari tu labuh..asyik tpijak..then bhagian dpn stage lak basah..=_= tp ncb baik la kalini dgr byk pujian tntg show kiteorg..rce hppy la jugak..even agk azab utk ciapkn tarian tu cpnjg trening..Atlaz!!!! ^_~congratz u guys.. <3 Aftr show..bgamba..hehe.. Then g tuka bju..n dduk jd pnonton btul2 kt tgh stage..ni sume nad la pnye kje..nk tgk shuffle pnye pasal..tbaik pnye spot die amik..hikhik.. N xlme pstu,si die join us.. Hm..aftr da hmpir 4hari kt cni..bru nk rce yg die wjud.. Lau x kerane show tu,mgkin xde mce agknye.. Mlmni zahiril azim yg dtg..plakon lam cite Khurafat:setiap mayat ada cerita.. Tp mamat ni nmpk cam sombong je..nta la..idk n idc.. Show pnutup arini dikir barat..n kiteorg pn blah g jln2 kt tapak pesta.. Tgk nad n amir..trce hppy bg deorg..cmge bjln ngn lncar..^_~wink! Then si die bwk anne lpak kt tmpt mkn yg utk VIP asenye..geng2 die ade kt ctu.. Mmg mati kutu la anne..cgan..>.<  Ckali ade mnde yg agk fascinating dtg..ular itam kuning..cntk..! Aish~npe la anne ley mnat natang yg cmtu untk dijdikn pets.. 

1Oct2011..(Itz 12am).. Mm..rite at d moment ular tu nk blah ngn tuan die,nad pn dtg n lepak tmpt anne.. N ok...kiteorg duk dgr perbincangn dak2 gemersik lak.. Can we considered that time tu adalah time lepak anne ngn die?? (Not for me..) Bile da makin lewat,i decided to leave..kje byk ag.. N i slept at 3am..esk nk kne jge gerai~

Owryte..nk kne trun bukak gerai kul 8am..n tau kul bape anne angun??? 7.54am!!! Akhirnye kul 8.30am bru cmpi gerai n bukak gerai.. Arini anne n arfa manager..so kne ade kt tapak whole day.. Yea...cmpi 16jam kn duk melanguk kt ctu..=_= ciap da puas rendam kaki n mnyejukkn dri ag..cz ujan lebat cmpi banjir kwsn grai kiteorg..cmpi ats buku lali tu~tbaik~ Kenangan terindah..hehe.. Arini..i tot he may spending his time here with me kt gerai anne jge..cz most of d time im left alone utk jge gerai cowg2! But..............NOPE. Die dtg jenguk jap..then bjalan ngn kwn die..(fine).. Abg amir lak da cam setie lak ke hulu ke hilir ngn die.. Hmm..then..my gossipm8 pnye bale ley lak dtg gerai.. Ok~he's freaking me out.. Mcg si die utk dtg lpak kt gerai..tp nmpknye die bz nk melepak ngn org lain.. So..biarla.. Tp bile mamat bale ni makin merimaskn,nk xnk i hev to tell si die y i want him to show himself here with me..(hakikatnye nk je majok n xnk die dtg..tp rimas pnye psl..tpkce la..)..xlame pstu die pn muncul ngn abg amir...ngan cngajenye pggil anne ngn pggilan ''sayang''.. Mule la tu jelez die dtg..hmm.. Tp xpe la..die da muncul..ok la tu.. So..my gossipm8 pn kuar jln ngn her bale..so si die n abg amir pn dduk la kt gerai tu..xlme mne pn.. Soon he left.. Hmm...no komen la.. Nta mne la jnji die kate nk spend time n lepak cme whenever im free.. (btul2 laz choice n laz place ni..).. Mm..biarla..  Cket yg dirce tu xbpe nk rce bile kepenatan yg teramat.. So xpe.. Hm...mlmni malam Gaza.. Mmg i cant see d stage pn cz kne ade kt gerai je.. Anne curi mce 5min utk tman Zal bile zal pggil anne..upenye zal ajk anne ikut die g beli bunge utk sum1..bunge ros..how cweet n romantic gak kwn anne yg cowg ni kn..^_~ Untung si gadis.. Hppy lak bg pihak gurl yg bakal dpt bunge tu.. Bile da beli,zal bg anne pgang n bg pd ex rum8 anne cndiri..katenye utk kwn ex rum8 anne.. Ok..akal nakal ni mule fkir yg zal ngn ex rum8..hi3..aftr da beli,anne alek booth.. Si die ade singgah booth jap n gtau yg parenz die nk jmpe anne esk.. Ttbe anne jd cgt nrvous..cjuk kaki tgn sume..aduyai~ 11.50pm..closing d booth.. Ok...da la pnat...nk kemas trce cam ag pnat.. Bkemas ngn E,aizuddin,kak jannah n abg haris.. My gossipm8 xde da..die alek awl cz kurg chat.. (get well soon hun).. 

2Oct2011..(itz aftr midnite..)Nikmat tul bile da cmpi kt bilik n dpt baring kt katil.. Tp...esaimen ade ag ni.. xciap ag.. Try nk wat..tp otak x bfgsi pn.. So..finally stop..tido..actually nga mcg ngn si die..tp anne ttido.. Tu pn cbb die lmbt rply.. Die call kul 2lbh-3am gtu kate nk g mam kt mcD.. ngn kwn2 die... Hmm..tggu rply die yg lmbt tu yg ttido tu.. Angun kul 7.15am.. Arini kne tlg kak jannah bukak gerai gak..(y me??T_T) Hmm..si die pn kul 10am gtu bru la bunyi phne ni..awl pagi..xpe.. Then..anne tringt yg die pnh ckp yg die nk kire time bpe lame we'll spend together kt UMT cita warisan ni.. Jd..anne tnye la.. Die nmpknye agk blurr bile bg jwpn 124jam..=_= Ok..seems like he'd forgot dat die yg beriye nk kire..cz anne da wat countdown till d day he arrived here..waiting for d time utk spend time ngn die..(die gak yg suro anne mem-free-kn diri cz nk lepak ngn anne..)..( Hm..abg mmg da lupe kn?jnji yg bru tu pn xtertunai..ni pulak jnji lme..wut am i thinking??) ...Jd anne ingtkn die.. N jwpn yg watkn anne btul2 ilang sume mood n jd btul2 trce bile jwpn yg diberi tu..die kate die x kire pn bpe jam yg kiteorg spend cz bg die we'r together always.. I was like..ok~ he got me speechless.. Hanye Allah je la yg tau cane rce ht ni.. I got it..mmg die btul x ingt kn...xpe la..rcenye lau dikire..xcmpi 5jam pn..mgkin juz 4jam.. Saat ni..1 je anne fkir.. Nk melarikn diri n cmbunyi kt studio kt hepa..n matikn phne... Tp...bile fkir yg arini si die grad..konvo..n parenz si die nk jmpe.. Tpkce batalkn sume niat.. Tp mmg da start nk melarikn diri pn ngn my gossipm8..ckali tsrempak..=_= He's fully dressed utk konvo.. All black.. Bile tgk die ngn hppynye nk suro abg amir amik gmba kiteorg bdue.. Tpkce memaniskn muke..rce cgt xptut utk larikn diri or wt prangai time ckrg ni.. Aftr da amik gamba..die pn g ke dwn bsr agknye.. 1.30pm gtu he called..suro g kt die with d camera..n suro kak jannah amikkn pic kiteorg (mce abg amir amikkn,die xkai jubah..now die da kai jubah..) Hmm..aftr da amik pic ngn die,g jln2 tgk senior bio lak.. 1st of all...congratz utk abg..n all seniors yg grad arini..cmge dilancarkn sume rancangn slps ni... Hari cgt panas.. Jd anne n kak jannah alek ke booth n d seniors mule mcuk dwn utk mjlis deorg.. Hmpir 5pm ttbe abg amir muncul ngn bunge n heret anne ke dwn tu.. Licik tul deorg ni..Anne nk larikn diri pn da xley..agpn bile fkir yg psni parenz si die ade,jd mmg xley nk lari.. (Ibu!!cuaknye hatini!! >_<).. Hmm..rce xcdap ht..n call ibu..upenye mak mcuk hspitl..n mcm agk teruk kalini..kes cme cam laz time..organ swollen with water..cmge mak cpt cmbuh..

5.30pm..he's out.. N i can see all d hppy faces yg kuar dr dwn tu.. Tibe mcenye,anne lak yg kne serahkn bunge bsr kt die..dr sifu si die.. Byk bunge yg die dpt.. N 1 teddy bear yg cgt bsr..besh wat tilam n bntal pluk..hehe.. Itz his day..of cz rmai amik2 gamba. Lam kalut2 tu..cmpt ag abg amir n abg paan tnye anne ok ke x..(cbb deorg tau mak mcuk hsptal)..cgt concern abg2 ni sume upenye..bukn ckali due deorg btnye..byk kali.. Wut else shud i react?Juz nodded my head n say yes im fine.. Comes d time where i hev to meet his parenz.. Haish~nervousnye kalah org nk wat show..>_< Ncb baik la everythings went well.. Then si die ajk ikut die.. N of coz ngn kwn2 gemersik,crew2 die.. Ok~~trce lost di ctu..deorg ni men menonong n lggr je..=_=xnmpk ke dat im here?hello~ =_=hmm.. Ikut ht,nk je mnyimpang trus alek ke booth.. Tp....itz his big day.. I cant do dat.. N automatically jd PA x btauliah si die..tlg pgang bunge2 cz die pn xckup tgn nk pgang.. Cmpi la time mgrb bile tggu si die amik kete utk mcukkn sume gift ni lam kete.. B4 mcukkn,lepak jap kt khemah.. 7.30pm tggl anne ngn si die je.. Bru la rce cam si die wujud cmule.. Pstu..kne lak ujan lbat gile ttbe.. Mmg tsangkut la.. Bile ujan rede bru mcuk lam kete die.. N then die drive cmpi ke teluk ketapang.. jz lepak lam kete..tu pn only for a while cz nk alek ke hostel cmule.. Mlmni Dafi AF n Adlina idola bintang kecil perform..rmai tul org.. Show start lmbt cz ujan..ptut kul 8.30pm..tp kul 10pm bru start.. Anne ciap cmpt alek n tukar bju..kecjukkn.. N g cmule ke pesta konvo n tgk performance.. Awlnye anne trce cam ade kt dunie yg lain..i'm lost.. Then bile Dafi da nyanyi lagu ke-2 trakhir (total 5lgu) bru la trce cam jmpe si die cmule.. Itz like on n off.. Actual time we've spent..for me..itz like less than 6hours..tu pn cam lme cbb ade show..

Mlm laz...esk si die da btolak ke Johor.. There's no use lau  nk ckp cz mce xley diputar cmule.. One thing for sure..evnthough he's here..at d same place s i am..but..cyezly..i dun feel him.. Im hardly feel his presence n existent here wit me.. I feel like..being left alone.. No different whether he's here or not..n datz hurt.. I can smile..i can laugh..i can pretend..i can lie to him n others..i can easily say dat im ok..but actually im not.. I cant fool myself.. 

Im back to my room like 12.30am... Wow~d earliest ever in diz week! Then he texted me..n i said.. i wish he's still staying here for a day or two..I juz duno wut else shud i say.. Waiting 4 his rply..tp lmbt lak.. Then he called.. Im juz tired..my body starts feeling weak..n thinking dat he wont b here ag esk..watkn rce kosong..tp at d same time rce serabut..eventhough ag 1 beban da tlepas cz bru je submit esaimen kt kwn.. N when he said those three words..i cant rply..utk yg ptame yg si die ckp,ptutnye ley anne rply cz rum8 kt luar mce tu..but all i can say is ''hmm'' utk mengiyekn..my tots werent wit me.. N 2nd time he said those word..i really cant rply cz rum8 da mcuk..he kept saying dat word..till d 4th..n when he heard me say ''mm'' again.. He juz said ''ok la..bye.'' *click* He hung up d phne.. Ok...on wut purpose die lak nk mara ni? Found out he cant take it when im 'cold' wit him bile lam phne n mcg.. N that leads to my confessions.. (Abg xtau kn yg cbnrnye anne ngs time tu? Ever since u sent me back to hostel..mate ni mule jlnkn tugas utk tahan air mate ni kuar..cmpi time u called.. i dun rply ur 143 tu..mmg duk tahan je time tu..so dat explain y my 1st rply was ''hmm''.....) ..Aftr confessed in mcg,u called.. 4missed calls yg anne biarkn tu..mmg juz enuff time utk cover up my tears dr ngs bile ckp ngn abg...so..kite jnji utk jmpe n setelkn hal ni esk pgi b4 my cls.. Rite aftr we hung up d phne..I fall asleep.. (cyezly sleepy n tired..my bdn da mule pns..hope esk ley angun..)..

3Oct2011...Yes...arini dmm... Jnji nk jmpe 7.45am..but i woke up rite b4 he texted me..So..8.15am bru jmpe.. He took me to d beach..sitting in d car..n settle up our problems n get back like we used to be.. My wish..dat i can hev one more day wit u here..in umt.. Hmm..silly me to think dat way kn? Mgkin psni lau jmpe pn time anne cuti pnjg.. Aftr all,thanx utk pagi ni.. Even juz 1jam..i can say itz enuff for now.. N actually anne pn xptut trce cam diabaikan..i shud think yg cbnrnye abg alek umt awl2 utk kwn2 abg je..cz masing2 nk grad.. For diz time..ur time cant b mine..itz for them..not me.. I only deserve minit2 laz je..tu pn lau ade baki mce tu.. Actually,1minute pn da ckup cgt da bg anne.. Who i am utk kcau mce org cam abg nk bcme ngn kwn2 abg yg abg da knal lbh lme kn.. Im still new..kire anne ptutnye bsyukur cz abg ade mcg tiap hari.. Mm..yea..itz more than enuff actually.. Anne mmg xptut kcau pn..we'r living in different world now.. I shud understand dat..i shudnt be upset.. I shud expect dat it'll be diz way.. Cowy cz dingin ngn abg cmpi abg pn naik mara mlm cmlm.. I didnt mean to.. Thanx again for diz morning.. Safe journey back to Johor.. Till d day we'll meet again.. 143367.. InsyaAllah..